my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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