I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
he shaved USA in his pubs
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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