Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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