After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
