Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
