I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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