my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
