She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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