Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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