the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
