you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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