note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
