Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
