Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
