I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
This baby is an asshole
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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