my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
