I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
