how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You dont lie about slip and slides
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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