I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
