he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
