just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize