he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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