I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
