Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
