honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Randomize
