this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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