just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
