I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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