did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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