At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
