i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
