First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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