You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she told me i tasted like america
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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