The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
