I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
