Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
