I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
