Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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