How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
