She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
