i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
And then he peed in my hair
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
