My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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