Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
