do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
