They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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