My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
