textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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