I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
