Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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