hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
