the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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