i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
