I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
