my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize