I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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