I'm really into asian looking animals
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize