I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
