I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
