I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
